“What” not “Why” – Self-awareness starts with better questions

Based on ideas in her book Insight, organisational psychologist Tasha Eurich suggests one simple way to build self-awareness is to ask ourselves what rather than why.

“Why” questions can be useful when trying to understand external problems such as, "Why did this happen?" or "Why did the project fail?"

But “why” questions can also make us feel defensive, as though we need to justify ourselves, prove something or protect our identity, rather than simply notice and understand what is happening.

When we ask “why” about ourselves, we often jump to the quickest or most comfortable explanation and stop there, whether it is accurate or not. That can lead to overthinking, defensiveness and getting stuck in unhelpful stories about ourselves.

“Why” questions can pull us into blame, justification or victim thinking.

“What” questions tend to be more practical, grounded and curious. They help us notice what is actually happening and consider what we might do next.

Therefore, instead of asking:

• Why am I like this?

• Why do I always react this way?

We can experiment with asking:

• What’s going on for me right now?

• What am I feeling?

• What story am I telling myself?

• What assumptions might I be making?

• What else could be true?

• What would help here?

• What response would feel more useful or constructive?

“Why” questions often keep us stuck in the past. “What” questions help us move forward.

For example: If you are in a terrible mood at work and ask, “Why do I feel like this?”

you may end up telling yourself it's because "I'm negative" or "I hate Mondays" or "everything is too much".

But if you ask, “What am I noticing right now?” you may realise you are exhausted, overwhelmed, hungry or anxious about something specific.

That creates more choice.

Instead of simply reacting, you might take a break, eat something nourishing, talk things through with someone or get some rest.

Research also suggests that putting emotions into words can help calm the brain’s threat response. Simply naming what we are feeling can help us think more clearly and respond more intentionally.

The aim is not to avoid difficult feelings. It is to become more aware of them so we can respond with greater clarity, curiosity and choice.

Using this when working with others

The same principle can be helpful in the workplace, particularly for leaders and managers seeking to bring out the best in their people.

Questions such as “Why did you do that?” can easily sound like blame or criticism, even when that is not the intention. As a result, people can become defensive, closed down or focused on protecting themselves rather than giving an honest response.

Questions that are more likely to create reflection, openness and learning may include:

• What was happening for you at that point?

• What led to that decision?

• What were you noticing?

• What support might help next time?

“What” questions do not remove accountability. They simply create better conditions for honest thinking, constructive dialogue and more intentional action.